In the midst of tragedy we sometimes can’t see the “bigger picture” I love how with time comes revelations. As time passes we are able to look back & put pieces together of the puzzle we didn’t quite grasp while we were in it.
I’m day one out… & I don’t even feel out yet because I’m physically still experiencing it but, I spiritually feel like I am on the other side of the tragedy. The healing side.
Just from my entry last night I have had over 30+ women share their complete heart with me & I have cried more than I probably have my entire life. I’ve cried from grieving. I’ve cried from the stories. I’ve cried mostly because many women have experienced what I am living through & after their confessions not many of them have talked about it before now. I was humbled & honored that they felt the peace to share with me & relate with me. Through a simple computer screen we cried together. The stories broke my heart & flesh but, lifted my spirit. & left my mind wondering with excitement of what this will look like in Heaven. Will all of these little lives be hanging out together in Heaven, will they have that bond? Will they all be bouncing on Jesus knee when we get there? What will my baby look like? SO many exciting questions that I look forward to seeing one day 🙂
In my initial post I wrote about how Ricky & I had this plan of “IF” we did somehow have a 4th child instead of fostering to adopt what that would look like.
The first thing we had decided was we would not share on social media until we absolutely had to or wanted to. & God honored that.
The second thing we had decided was we would not find out the sex of the baby, we would be surprised. & God honored that.
The third thing we had decided was I would attempt to have the baby all natural & possibly at home. & God honored that.
He honored EVERY SINGLE THING I had ever spoken over our “IF WE” fourth child!
After the realization of miscarrying actually set in the one thing that absolutely broke my heart was the fact that I might miscarry & not know. Not knowing was awful, wondering was awful! I wanted to be able to bury my baby, I did not want to have to flush the baby down the toilet & wonder… was that “it”?
God honored that! According to Texas law our baby was not old enough or heavy enough to obtain a death certificate but God allowed us to bury our baby in a place where I have had some of my sweetest conversations with my grandmother.
My grandmother has been a huge spiritual influence in my life. She’s always someone I can talk to & instead of giving me her flesh opinion she gives me scripture & what Gods word says. No matter how simple or complex the question.
She had the most perfect box that I swear God had her saving for this exact day! It was absolutely beautiful. A moment & day I will never forget. & I look forward to re-reading these words in the years to come, I look forward to looking at the pictures in the years to come because I never want to forget what this felt like.
I’m so thankful in ONE day God has already begun to reveal how He did keep His promises, He did hear my hearts deepest wishes, How He loved this child more than I could, How every single child is HIS… we are just the keepers until they are called home. How precious every moment is. How I need to love my three blessings a little more, I need to hold them a little tighter, I need to work on being a little more patient. I need to let me kids see my emotions.
Through this my 6yr old, Preslee saw me break down, she actually laid her hands on my stomach when I had come home from the first devastating ultrasound & prayed over my body & the baby. When she initially started the prayer she was standing over me as I was laying in a lounge chair by the pool in the backyard. By the time she was done praying I opened my eyes in tears & she had dropped to her knees at some point in her prayer & I didn’t even hear it or feel it. My 6yr old had fallen to her knees. It took me 25+ years to drop to mine! Preslee did say, “Mom I have never seen you cry” & that broke my heart. God INSTANTLY said “hard heart” in that moment & I realized I have had a hard heart. My pride has kept my husband, my kids, friends, other family members… many people from seeing the vulnerable side of me. In the 6+ years my daughter has walked this earth she had never seen me cry…. Had I not cried? No. I have cried. I’ve just done it behind closed doors. How would my kids know to feel, to grieve, to hurt.. if they have never seen me do it?
Revelation! Keep them coming Lord! I am LOVING them! I feel like they are popping off the pages of your word, that you are flashing them in front of my face RIGHT NOW!