I seem to keep letting satan steer me away from this page.
I think because in my heart I know God is telling me He wants & needs me to be real & raw on here. He wants the unedited, the messy, the real, the raw, the truth. I’ve shared many testimonies of some beautiful strong women. But I haven’t shared my own. Even typing now I ponder on if I should or shouldn’t? Like do I really want to go there? Does anybody? Probably not.
My friend Heather went there though (& many others). If you haven’t read her testimony (& the others) you’re missing out. You can find it under “Meet Heather” it’s real, it’s raw, it’s messy, it’s unedited & it’s truth. It’s beautiful. It’s one I relate to due to similarities. Since Heather has shared her testimony she has prayed over other families, given hope, shared life & helped lead others into the light. God is using her testimony. I know He will use mine to.
My throat is pitted in my stomach. Here we go.
Growing up I was always curious about the Lord. I had numerous Bibles, in numerous translations. I would dabble in it here & there. I could understand some. I would stay the night with friends here & there to go to church with them but, I could never just “get it” Looking back now I know I hadn’t given my life to the Lord, I was curious but, I wasn’t surrendered. I prayed but I didn’t cry out. I only seemed to reach out during the tough times but, I never praised Him in the good. I boasted. I took self pride. It was all about me (this is a area I have tremendous growth in BUT still continue to work on daily, being a mother has helped. It’s rarely about me now)
My life really took a downhill spiral at the age of 14. I chose rebellion. I chose deliberate sin (I’m still a sinner) I remember the first time I ever got drunk. It took one beer. I was a 14yr old girl, not even 5ft tall, less than 100lbs. It took one beer. (It would probably still take one beer) I loved the way I felt. I was “free” I had a way to escape. I liked who I was. That one beer would be the first of many, for many years. I continued drinking. I got caught but, not near as much as I should have. Drinking would lead to lies. It lead to sneaking out. It lead to disobeying. It brought many consequences but, even through those it still seemed to “fill the void” At the age of 14 I lost my virginity. Just typing that makes me cry. I’m a mother now & I can’t even imagine. I was so lost. I wanted love. I sought after it from man instead of from God. He loved me the whole time. That was the first & it wouldn’t be the last.
At the age of 14 I attempted suicide the first time. I tried overdosing. Looking back I know I didn’t want to really die. I was seeking more attention & at that time I was in a lot of trouble at home & I thought pity would get me out of trouble. It only got me more. It also brought many other heartaches. That was the summer going into my freshman year of high school. I was raised in a neighborhood with a lot of my fellow classmates. When the ambulance came rolling down the block & my friends saw me being rolled out on the stretcher the rumors started. & they really never quit. People signed my year book suggesting I not “OD” that year. My heart aches thinking of it. I am so thankful because of the almighty name Jesus Christ I have broken those chains & any generational sins for my children.
I was in & out of unhealthy relationships for the next 7 years. I was committing sin after sin & just praying someone would unconditionally love me but I was just being unconditionally used. I was given awful nicknames. I was bullied & I am sure I bullied back. Hurt people hurt people. I was hurting. I was drinking during school somedays & I tried drugs for the first time at 16. But alcohol remained my main drug of choice.
After High school not much changed. I kept partying & living a life full of sin. Relationship after relationship. I enrolled in college. I think I attended class once. My main “agenda” was to get the student id so I could get into clubs & bars for free on college nights. I started dating the owner of a bar here in town. I was there Sunday-Sunday.
On Monday nights they had a beer pong tournament. I’ll never forget being there that Monday night & although I was “dating” the owner I looked across the bar & pointed to the guy I told my friend I would marry one day (it wasn’t the owner) I had never met this guy but, he was at the beer pong tournament every Monday & he usually always won it. Wednesday nights were “Hip Hop” night. I stumbled in that night & see the boy I had promised my friend I would marry one day. I decided to introduce myself that night. We exchanged numbers & the rest is history. Not really.
Ricky & I met that Wednesday, July 11, 2007. We had a sinful relationship but, we loved each other. I had never felt someone love me the way he did. After 7 months we found out we were pregnant. We both had a alcohol problem. Mine was put on hold during pregnancy, Ricky still continued. After we had Preslee we both laid off for awhile. We were in the “honeymoon” stage over our brand new beautiful baby. Please don’t take that the wrong way. We both will agree we have never felt a love like the way we did with our Preslee bear. She changed our life. After having Preslee we both knew we would never touch drugs again (up until pregnancy we had been) & we haven’t. Praise Jesus. Alcohol has always just seemed “normal” to me. So even after having Preslee drinking just seemed “normal” I was reminded 10 short months later that it wasn’t going to be my normal. We were pregnant again.
Ricky & I got married January 31, 2010 I was a few months pregnant with Blain (Our 2nd) After Blain came in June of 2010 I really felt God starting to work on my heart. I also knew realistically I didn’t have time to be hungover with a newborn & a 1yr old! We cut back on drinking a lot but didn’t quit by any means. I just made it a point that when I did do it now I would do it 100%. A lot changed in 2011.
The summer of 2011 satan had grasped my marriage. Long story short I started rebelling. Looking back I don’t even know how to explain what happened, I know it wasn’t from God. The word divorce was on the table. I had decided I was going back to being the “old, fun me” I wanted to be in the bars again. I would leave Ricky with the kids on the weekends while I went to the bars with friends. I started seeing someone else. I was literally leaving my precious babies & loving husband to go live a separate life.
Now you know why I said, “Throat in my stomach earlier”
I had told Ricky I wanted out. I lied about what I was doing & who I was doing it with. I hid things. I had turned into everything I swore I would never be. Ricky had packed all of his stuff up & was moving out. He was going to take the kids. Reality had set in. My parents were divorced when I was 18. It was one of the hardest times of my life & I was about to take my own family down the same path. Rickys family came into town that weekend to help him move out. Ricky & I decided to go to dinner & talk about everything. After dinner we had decided we had to try harder. We had to fight harder. We had to give it our all, for our children’s sake. A few weeks went by & things were a little better. The hardest part is that I was still hiding some lies I had told, Ricky ended up finding out the truth from friends. I didn’t know what to do, we had just come to a better place & now we were taking 100 steps back. I admitted to what I had done. & today I am thankful to those that told Ricky, I don’t know when I would have. I had to earn his trust. It took a lot of time. 3yrs later I have it but, it didn’t happen overnight.
In May of 2012 Ricky & I had felt stronger than ever that God had a big plan for us. It was that month that we declared our faith & love for Jesus Christ. We surrendered our lives to Him. We proclaimed we were done with alcohol. We were hungry for more.
We got pregnant with our Kanon Ball in January 2013, welcomed him into the world August 2013. I “relapsed” September 2013. I let satan convince me I could have one glass of wine. Remember it only took one beer. Well in Sept 2013 it only took one glass of wine. I had slipped. Prayerfully I had accepted Jesus Christ into my heart & that very next day I felt a guilt & shame like never before. See we are all sinners but when you give your life to Jesus Christ you are more aware of your sinning & you feel convicted for it. Before surrendering my life to Him I may have felt “bad” for what I did but I never felt convicted. I hadn’t given my life over to Him yet.
The summer of 2013 I experienced Freedom Ministry. I was set free from a lot of bondage & generational sin. I still have somethings to “deal with” but because of my deliverance I was able to break chains for our family. My children are being raised to love & know the Lord. My sweet Preslee tells everyone she knows that Jesus lives in her heart. She is so passionate for the Lord & in everything she sees & hears she asks, “Mommy is this about Jesus?” Even if we are in the mall & a song is on in the store when I have to tell her that that song isn’t about Jesus she asks if we can leave the store. God does & says amazing things through your children, make sure to really listen 🙂 Blain has such a fun loving spirit, his high energy & love are contagious. He brings joy everywhere he goes. & my sweet Kanon, he just turned one. That boy is a lover. He cuddles & snuggles & just wants & gives LOVE LOVE LOVE. I am a proud mommy & know the Lord has called me & Ricky to raise 3 beautiful disciples that will spread His name across the nation.
Ricky has been sober 3yrs in May 2015. I just hit my one year mark, starting over from my “bump in the road” I am proud to say that God has saved our marriage. We are stronger than we have ever been. We are united. We fight for each other, we love one another, & more importantly Christ & His word are the center of our marriage. I thank God everyday that He has given me a husband that encourages me to seek Him more & more everyday. Now don’t get the wrong impression we still have disagreements but, they’re handled differently. We respond we don’t react. We will work on our marriage til the day we die, it will never be perfect but, we won’t quit working at it. We have 3 beautiful babies we are raising up differently & everyday I pray Jesus makes me a better mom. I struggle with being too hard on my kids, I always want them to be better than we were. I know being tough isn’t going to make that difference, Jesus Christ will. So I pray He just makes us better parents everyday.
I hope as you have read this that you understand up until Ricky & I surrendered our life we lived in sin because we had not surrendered. Jesus Christ saved us. He redeemed us. He gave me a loving & forgiving husband. He made me a loving & forgiven wife. I hadn’t surrendered to the Lord when I was drinking every night, dancing on tables, telling lies, being deceitful. After surrendering to the Lord I still sin but, I repent for it & I feel convicted now. We will always fall short. I pray that if you are struggling right now in your marriage that you know with all your heart Jesus can revive it. He can save it. Seek Him. Lean in. Cry out to Him. He sees you & He hears you. If he can save two sinners like Ricky & I He can save you too. Ricky & I hope to help give other marriages hope. & I pray the Lord gives me a opportunity one day to minister to young teenage girls. He is SO good. Life will happen with or without Him, it’s SO much better WITH Him.